Guiding Your Tween Through Friendship Changes
I remember my oldest daughter's first friends. It was such a joy to see. She grew up without many kids around so going to school was better than candy and toys! Alora couldn't wait to attend and hated to leave. "I love my friends, mommy," she'd often say. I was so excited for her!
The tween years have arrived and are definitely a time of growth both physically and mentally. I watch in amazement (and sometimes angst) as her personality develops. Every day isn't perfect but she's a shining star. A light in any room.
Things change. That's life.
Alora is now a fourth grader and has new friends. Many memories have been made and laughs shared, but with laughter also comes tears. That's the ebb & flow of friendships and life in general.
As her mother, it's especially challenging to witness her hardships but I know they are necessary. I want my daughters to be strong but kind, empathetic but not naive. I want them to become their own best friends and be brave enough to stand alone when necessary.
Throughout this school year, there has been enough friendship turbulence to make anyone's head spin. Alora has come home furious some days and crying on others. She's ready to wash her hands of it all today but then hopeful and optimistic tomorrow. I can't keep up anymore and I no longer stress about it.
Oh... I stressed. Believe that! The mama lioness (and bear) in me showed up way too often ready to strike! I eventually learned to let go and release the experience to her life, her journey. Well.... somewhat. A mama can never let go completely.
If your child is in the midst of friendship changes/losses, here are four things I've learned during this year that helped me to help my daughter.
1. Listen Attentively
Your child is either the type you must probe for details or he/she is like mine and ready to spill alllll the tea. Either way, attentively listen to what is being said. Do your best to remain neutral until you have all of the information. We often make the mistake of interjecting our opinions and advice based on emotions instead of wisdom-especially when it comes to our babies! My daughter has really needed my wisdom this school year, not my swift reaction to bash and/or retaliate.
2. We Can't Rescue Them
When our fourth grade drama began, I wanted to tell Alora exactly what I thought she should do. I was convinced my many years on Earth guaranteed the best way to handle things. I was wrong. While experience often begets wisdom, our children are not us. They are unique individuals who feel and think differently than we do. Most importantly, this is the perfect opportunity to sharpen their problem-solving skills. In time, I learned to listen first and then ask Alora how she thought she should handle the situation. I was honest with her about my opinions but in a nonjudgmental way. I allowed her to try solutions she proposed more so than mine. I intuitively knew some ideas wouldn't work but she needed to see that for herself.
3. Respect Their Decisions
Whether you agree with the tips above or not, you have to accept what your child chooses to do. You may have already told your child to dropkick that friend to the wayside and forget about it. You can do that, but it doesn't mean he/she will agree. Alora is very forgiving in a way that I am not. Yes, I advised the dropkick pretty early on but she wasn't ready to give up and I had to respect her decision. I don't mean respect as in agree. I mean respect in a way that gives your child the chance to learn the lesson firsthand. (In no way am I referring to situations where their safety or lives are in danger!)
4. Tell Them When They're Wrong
I love my daughters dearly and I'm very protective but I refuse to coddle or condone nonsense. Alora has been betrayed and much more this school year but she has also done her share of petty. As furious as I have been with her acquaintances, I am just as swift in pointing out her wrong doings. I've always raised my daughters to defend themselves at all costs but like my mama told me, "You better not start the fight." I think it's important for our children to know we're on their side but that we have standards even in tough situations.
No matter how you choose to handle your tween's friendship drama, know that this too shall pass. Remind them of that and encourage them along the way. It's a rite of passage the majority of us experienced as kids and often as adults. Be confident that with your wisdom, guidance, and trust in them, they will definitely be stronger and have more discernment when it's all over.