Do These 3 Things Instead of Yelling

Breathe in... breathe out.

Breathe in... breathe out.

If only I would have listened.

I try so hard. Really, I do. I try my best to be logical, rational, and patient. Sometimes I succeed. Many times I don't.

I was recently on my bed and in tears after a heated moment with my daughters. I reached my breaking point and had had it up to here with their attempts to destroy our home with toys, messes, and all things kids. I clean and clean AND CLEAN but all of my efforts seem to be in vain. It wasn't just the cleaning. It was the frustration of dealing with tween hormones, sibling rivalry, and a super-sensitive toddler who wants to keep up with big sissy. 

I do my best to be reasonable but every parent has a threshold. I surpassed mine. It wasn't pretty.

I stood there yelling and finger-pointing, with my pot boiling over from the inside. It felt wrong. I felt stressed but I just couldn't seem to stop. Like I said, I'd had it up to here. The lump in my chest appeared (again) and a headache began to surface.

Yes, it has happened before.

Soon after, in the middle of eating dinner, the lump and the headache took over me. It was difficult to breathe and that made it impossible to eat. Those symptoms also led to dizziness, exhaustion, and tears. I ended up in bed the remainder of the night.

Resting gave me plenty of time to think. I decided that I won't give in anymore. I won't let anything push me around. I refuse to let stress kill me! 

My paternal grandmother died from a heart attack and many relatives had/have heart disease. I've heard of people dying for one reason or another because of stress. I won't allow that to be my experience! 

That's what I love about making a firm decision- it's non-negotiable. 

I know better ways to handle myself. I know that my daughters are learning from me. I also know better coping mechanisms. So how did I reach my breaking point?

Parenting

Have you ever asked yourself that same or a similar question? Have you found yourself in the situation I was in? Be honest. It's okay to own it.

You can't grow from it until you own it. ~ThrillerMom

(Tweet that!)

As parents, we often feel that we must be perfect. We don't give ourselves grace and room for error. We either get it right or consider ourselves failures across the board.

Such lies. Such lies.

No one and I mean NO ONE deserves more grace than a parent who is trying his/her hardest. I don't want to hear anyone say "you are the one who decided to have kids," "that comes with the territory." I promise I will throat-punch anyone in my path who utters one of those statements!

You know what else comes with deciding to become parents? Mistakes... on top of mistakes, on top of more mistakes (and then some!). No one walks into parenting knowing what the hell to do. Although beautiful, it's an unrelenting journey.

Despite the hard times, I am learning. I'm learning not only how to be a better parent, but how to take care of me. I'm learning how to read my body and listen when it tells me what it needs.

During that heated moment I mentioned, I heard my inner voice advising me to calm down, to stop, to walk away, to breathe. As I also mentioned, I just couldn't seem to stop. I heard it but I wasn't listening.

I know that losing my temper, yelling, and the like is doing more damage than good. Admittedly, it sometimes feels like that's the only way I get my point across! It has taken time to learn what truly works with and for my daughters. You, too, have to figure out what works best for you and your children.

Instead of Yelling

Will I yell again? Of course. At some point, life will surely catch me off guard and my voice will reach that pissed-off-mama level. The next time it happens, I just hope I'm paying attention. I hope I'll remember to breathe, think, and then act.

Breathe- Take a deep breath. Calm yourself and remember that you are in control. You are the parent. You are in a teaching moment and you want the lesson to be beneficial to everyone involved. Anger causes your body to tense and muscles to become rigid. It shows in your facial expressions and body language. Your kids notice all of this and that's not what you want them mimicking.

Think- Think about what you're doing, saying, and how it will affect your kids. They see the anger in your eyes and hear it in your voice. There aren't only short-term effects but long-term as well. Think about moments from your childhood when your parents lost their tempers. Think about words spoken to you from anyone in anger. Your actions and words will be the memories your kids have, too.

Act- If you've taken deep breaths and thought before speaking, then you're more ready to take action. You may still be upset- and I get that- but you'll be more in control. You'll be teaching your kids a lesson in responsibility and temperament. These moments teach kids how to handle their own anger and deal with peers when in difficult situations.

I'm preaching to the choir here, but when I handle things the right way in my home, it works! Yes, I lost my temper. That's no crime but it has a trickle-down effect. Everything does.

If you've recently had a moment with your kids, talk to them about it. I do. I admit when I didn't handle a situation properly. I remind them that although I'm the parent, I'm not perfect. I also ask them to share their feelings about the situation at hand. When I talk to them this way, I see a gleam in their eyes. It humanizes me and reminds them that I care about them. 

Remember moms and dads... give yourself some grace. You'll hear that many times from me. I believe in grace, not guilt. None of us are perfect nor do we know how to handle things all of the time. The good thing is, when you know better you can do better.

Life is challenging and parenting is no game. It all takes work (as you know). The only way to navigate any of it is with empathy, forgiveness, hope, and enthusiasm. We all make mistakes but we get things right, too! Hopefully, my experience will get you closer to getting it right the next time around.