Making The Hard Conversations Easier
I'm never ready for the tween-ish questions my oldest presents to me but I know more of them are coming. Life is happening, my daughters are getting older, and my grey is showing.
My nine year old, Alora, developed deeper friendships, friendship problems, levels of independence, frighteningly mature conversation, and an inevitable boy crush in second grade. Is that too early or is it just me???
During that school year, more life lessons took a swing at us than we were prepared to face. I found myself confronted with the choice to panic or the opportunity to impart wisdom. Helping her through situations isn't smooth sailing but so far I've survived without anxiety attacks.
Now we are entering fourth grade and this thing is no joke. It's real in these motherhood streets! I wake up, put on my parenting armor (panic shield, empathy sword, shock absorber, patience helmet, wine glass), and do my best to mold the future adult(s) entrusted to me. It's important that I continually present Alora with the tools she'll need to navigate her way into adulthood. Whether she uses them or not will ultimately be her decision.
Conversing With My Kids
I value honesty with my children. They have questions and I give them truthful answers no matter the topic. Really, I do! I answer them on their individual age and mental levels. If they ask me questions I don't have answers to, hey, I simply tell them that. I believe that when parents show their kids their own humanity (mistakes, concerns, fears), it fosters stronger connections between them.
That same level of honesty applies when teaching my daughters how to set boundaries with other people. I'm that "take no crap" kind of mom. I live it, I teach it. It's important that they learn self-respect in order to teach others how to treat them. Maintaining healthy relationships is a vital component of one's sanity and success. As parents, we can't neglect to guide our children in this area.
Ever so often, Alora will inform me that a child has been mean/bossy/aggressive towards her. Because of our conversations, she feels confident communicating to her peers that those behaviors are unacceptable. She consistently and inevitably teaches them how to treat her. Alora also understands that she must give the same level of respect to others. Discussing self-respect with our children and being an example before them instills self-worth and values that carry over into other areas of life.
Consent Is Everything
With Alora's permission, I admit that puberty has rang her doorbell. She's growing up and noticing bodily changes that undoubtedly raise questions for her. While I've explained hormonal changes, mood swings, chocolate addiction, etc, there is a topic that I focus on more intently: consent.
Private parts are just that, private. I've taught my daughters this from an early age but I'm now drilling it into the head of my tween! I've done my best to teach her the boundaries that MUST be set and how to handle it if someone crosses those lines. Because I believe that prevention is key, we talk about the best ways to prevent compromising situations.
I give Alora real life scenarios and even share some of my own. When the details are too graphic, I tone them down but share in a way that pushes the lesson of my experience. Believe me, I've been through some things! I express the importance of thinking for herself and her safety versus following the crowd/her friends when they aren't making smart decisions.
Remember, if your child admits to you that a line has been crossed or that he/she has already had a certain experience, remain calm and listen. It's so easy to lash out, overreact, and want to know every detail immediately. However, allowing our kids to say what they need to say, without parental meltdowns from us, is the key to trust. It's even more important that he/she is accepted and loved just the same afterwards!
I'm preaching to myself here, too, okay?!
Oh, one more thing... Unless your/another child is in danger or has been hurt, PLEASE keep the experience shared between the two of you only. Nothing is worse than sharing a secret- especially with your parent- just to find out that the information was disclosed to someone else. That's a sure way to lose a connection!
There Is Help For Parents
I know all parents aren't as open with their children as I, or may not know how to be. That's why I love organizations like AMAZE.org and have partnered with them to provide parents with resources to make the hard conversations easier. The goal of AMAZE is to empower parents so that we can be the ones educating our children about subjects such as puberty, healthy relationships, gender identity, and sexuality.
I'm not sure about you, but I don't want my daughters learning such vital life lessons from the media nor their hormonal, adolescent peers! I want them knowledgeable enough to stand their ground and to answer questions that their peers may have. I make daily efforts to ensure this!
Visiting the AMAZE website is like a sigh of relief. It's that same level of satisfaction you get when you realize it's taco Tuesday and you don't have to think so hard about dinner. Get it?
If you're still unsure about how you should converse with your tween/teen and you need a guide, this is a great site to rely on. AMAZE is fueled by a #MoreInfoLessWeird concept (search the hashtag for more). Below is an example of the educational videos they offer. Alora thinks it's awesome btw:
A bit of info in case you're still wondering what the heck qualifies AMAZE to school you on such topics:
1. AMAZE is a collab between three expert organizations in the sex field: Advocates for Youth, Answer, and Youth Tech Health. Look them up like I did!
2. AMAZE produces engaging sex education videos for 10-14 year olds that helps make the topic less uncomfy and weird. Sex is a natural human experience and a healthy one if respected and educated properly.
As adults, most of us can recall how it felt talking to our parents about our grown up issues. Whether they were cool or not, it was still awkward. Right?! AMAZE provides a way that helps us be the down-to-earth, chill parents we may not have had. They assist with sparking and calming the hard conversations.
You can find AMAZE all over social media as well. They have a great Facebook page (@AMAZEparents) where they share informative videos and other content. Follow them to keep up and stay informed!